I remember my first introduction to the Internet years ago. My husband brought his laptop home from work and enthusiastically demonstrated to me the wonder that is the world wide web. He thought it the greatest thing ever; I was for the most part unimpressed. Our son played on the Sesame Street site, such as it was back then, and that was pretty cool, as was the mind blowing concept of information traveling in real time. But as far as our day to day lives, I could see no real use for “dialing up” to be “online.”
My husband tried to convince me of its merits and even lobbied for a home computer. “A computer? At home? Whatever for?” I asked. We won’t use it, I told him, ominously pronouncing this, my final warning, before ultimately relenting. I remember typing my first email to two of my college roommates, feeling a little foolish as I did so, thinking I could just as easily write, you know, a letter.
My, how far we’ve come beyond that first PC! We as a family now own four computers and two iPads not to mention four smart phones among us. Far from being unable to conceive of a life with the ‘net, I now cannot conceive of a few hours without. How little did I know!
I was thinking about my early skepticism and my current (albeit small) presence online. I wondered if I’d been a blogger back then, in those days of early motherhood (if there had even been such a thing as blogs), what sort of blogger would I have been? I imagine my posts would have been rather tedious in their repetitious theme of fatigue and debilitating insecurity.
Not so different at this stage of life and blogging, now that I think on it.
I remain continually impressed by young mothers who blog and by their seemingly perpetual zeal for motherhood and for their kids and for the Lord. They have wise words and confident exhortation for any and all conundrums a young mother may face and not only that but they do crafts too. Hear me, I am not saying this with any degree of snarkiness. I really am impressed and I’m sincere in my admiration for the faith and example of the mommy bloggers that cross my online path. I mean, and I say this with genuine sadness and regret, it never would have occurred to me to be deliberate in teaching theology to my infant. Never. Seriously, these moms are doing this thing with a level of excellence and determination that humbles me.
As a young mom, my theology, such as it was, was of the sort that would have, in our current blog culture, rained down all sorts of criticism and critique should I have had the capability to broadcast it across the world wide web. To say I was uninformed and ignorant would be generous. I had no idea of the riches to be discovered in the study of God’s Word nor did I understand the night-and-day, life-and-death effects theology could–and would–work in my real life. I was desperate for it, no doubt about it, but I didn’t know so. I was content with “what I’d always been taught” and “how God must be and do” according, of course, to my own evaluation of what must and should be true.
It wasn’t working for me, this pseudo understanding of the Lord loosely based on my own reasoning and a few snippets of Bible stories from Sunday School. Half truth is no truth and it is the total and true truth that sets us free: the truth about the Lord and about my desperate state and about the good news of salvation found only in Christ, truth embodied in the Word made flesh, truth testified by the Spirit and revealed in Scripture, truth that sustains and stands in heartache and disappointment and struggle and hurt.
My do-good, try-harder brand of Christianity had its platitudes and its gleanings of truth but essentially it offered me no hope beyond the motivation to try again tomorrow.
But, the Lord. In His gracious provision and abundant mercy He opened my eyes so that I might see wonderful things in His Word (Ps. 119:18), glory to His name. I found the true truth as I applied myself to careful Bible study. His Word is powerful and in it I find far more than guidelines to heed and examples to follow. I have instead discovered the Lord Himself. I won’t dare to claim to have realized a fully functioning systematic theology–not anywhere close–but I will say this: I know whom I have believed. I am confident that He is able. I stand on the truth of His sovereignty and His goodness, truths that hold me up when all around me gives way.
No, I’m not a young mom blogging with passion, fervor and wisdom, much as I appreciate and esteem those who do. Nor am I an old mom blogging from a position of expertise and achievement. A quick glance through the posts on this site show that to be true, far truer than I care to admit. I am instead a humble pauper, a stumbling theologian as it were, thankful to be granted eyes to see and ears to hear. I need Him so much, today, right now, more than ever, and I am humbly grateful to the God of grace who hears and answers the pleas of desperate with Himself.