Some thoughts from last Friday night…
It’s a beautiful night. Not hot, low humidity, a gentle breeze. I am out on the porch with a cup of coffee. Alone. Two boys are in the playroom laughing, giggling, playing something electronic no doubt. One boy is outside on the driveway cleaning his bicycle. The other boy and his daddy are at soccer tryouts.
So it’s just me enjoying the serenity of my porch on this beautiful evening.
I am wishing for a girlfriend to sit with me. We could laugh and chat about everything and nothing. Maybe she would ask me what the Lord is teaching me this week; maybe I would ask her the same. I might confess to her my overwhelming feeling of helplessness as a mom; she might encourage me with the truth of Scripture. We could share our struggles and our victories both as we pondered the glories of the gospel.
I wish for it, but the truth is I am not that kind of friend. I wish to be. I am ashamed at how little I speak of the Lord and His gospel with my friends, even my family. When I do, I fear I sound fake or forced or, worse, like a hypocritical know-it-all.
True, there is nothing wrong with dishing on kids or fashion (living with a houseful of men I love every opportunity to dish on kids and fashion) but I also long to share the deeper things, to wonder aloud over the mysteries of God’s glorious grace in Jesus Christ, to boast in the Lord, to assert our hope in the promises of His Word
I don’t know how. I don’t know how. I admit that with more shame than I admit my failings as a friend. I can write it, sort of at any rate. It is far harder to say it. I know it is like anything else that is uncomfortable but necessary: you begin by beginning. Just do it.
As I look for opportunities to just do it, to speak of the Lord despite my discomfort, I also ask for such an overwhelming love for my Savior that I must speak. To be like the two disciples who testified, “We can’t help but speak of the things we have seen and heard.” To boast with Paul that the love of Christ compels me. For my theology, what I believe and know about my God, to affect my reality, my day-to-day real life, my friendships, my relationships, and yes, my conversation.