It’s Tuesday as I begin this post, a rainy, dreary Tuesday, the fourth day in a row we’ve seen rain courtesy of Tropical Depression Fay. It’s good day for musing and thinking and sitting at your computer in an attempt to articulate such musings and thinkings.
Just so you know, it is not a good day for cleaning house. I’m just sayin’…
And, no, I don’t guess there really is a good day for cleaning house, at least around here. Here the housekeeper tends to wile away her time musing and thinking and sitting at the computer…
Today I muse and think on something I’ve mused and thought on many times. It seems I have a hard head–or perhaps a hard heart–one that refuses to learn its lesson. I feel something like the two year old who who pushes and strains against a given boundary over and over and over and over AND OVER again, causing the mom to wonder when and if the lesson will ever be learned…
Many times–many, many times–I have said I’ve wanted to be a part of something only God could do. To get to the other side of something and look back and know–know!–that thus far the Lord has brought me, only He could do this–this is what I’ve wanted. I’ve longed for my faith to take me places far beyond what I could do on my own, and I confess even as I longed for such what I really had in mind was the big, the bold, the obvious.
I love to teach God’s Word. I believe it is His call and His gift to me. So, as I desired to follow Him to something only He could do, I assumed He was calling me to speak. So I “yielded,” and waited for the phone to ring. It did not.
I love to write. A little over a year ago, a major Christian publisher was accepting unsolicited manuscripts for women’s Bible studies. I wrote up my proposal, furiously editing and frantically rewriting, finally popping it in the mail on a wing and a prayer, all the while wondering if this was my chance. It wasn’t.
The Lord is indeed faithful and through both of those experiences, and many more, He began to teach me the value of the common life. I’ve blogged as much here many times. It became my privilege to serve Him whether He called me to the big or the little. To exalt Him as my greatest Treasure in the midst of the mundane, in car line, in laundry, in blogging and even in occasionally cleaning house…
A month or so ago, I was part of a conversation where one of the conversants described a fellow professional with great excitement, speaking of her excellence and great potential in her profession.
For the first time ever in so many words, I feared I had made a mistake. My heart froze as I wondered if I was supposed to be something, do something. I know it sounds foolish, but I longed for someone to speak of me and my potential in such glowing terms.
I know what I do as a wife and mom is important. Really, I do. I know it’s a lie of our culture, a lie of our enemy, that casts the lure of desire for accomplishment. I know it is my pride, my horrible, black, depraved, prideful self, that desires the approval and accolades of others. I know it, but still I fall prey.
As I felt that familiar stab of fear and insecurity over my place in this world, I see I am learning the same lesson once again. I realize I really am the two year old pushing, straining, and rebelling.
Oh, I can think of some so-called valid reasons for my insecurity. I thought I was a Bible teacher, yet I am currently without a class and, though I am seeking the Lord’s will diligently and desperately, I do not yet know what to do. Other ways I had comfortably defined myself have also fallen away. And did I mention I am turning forty? Forty years old and nothing to show for it, I pouted to my husband the other day. To his credit, he did not indulge my self pity.
Who am I? What am I supposed to be and do? Is this it for me? These questions haunt me yet again.
But today, the rainy, dreary Tuesday aptly fitted for such introspection, as I think on the many times over the past few years that I’ve begged the Lord to be a part of something that only He could do, I realize: I am.
Certainly as I consider our current church situation, I can say that this place I am in, it could only be the Lord who brought us here. It will only be the Lord who sustains and blesses and grows and reaps. It is to His glory and for His renown.
But also, for me personally, me the ordinary housewife with all her domestic struggles and melancholy tendencies, me knee deep in the mundane, me with her common life–I too am in a place that is only from the Lord.
Here, choosing contentment when the world tells me to strive for accomplishment…here, where I can no longer define myself by my calling…here, in all my missteps and mistakes…here, as I determine to follow Him even when it’s hard and heartbreaking though simultaneously exciting and exhilarating…here, in my life as it is and not as I think it should be…here, I can know: it’s only of the Lord.
Only He could bring me to this. Only He can show me the great joy of doing everything–everything and anything!–for His glory. Only He sustains and saves. Only He satisfies and fills to overflow. Only He is worth more than any joy of this world, even writing Bible studies or speaking at women’s events! Only He is worthy and only He is worth laying (lying?) it all down, all of it.
What do you think you need? What do you think you want? What do I? Let’s lay it down and find ourselves where we never dreamed we’d be: counting it all as rubbish compared to the surpassing glory of knowing Christ! He is the only Treasure worth pursuing!