from a heavy heart

This is one of those posts, you know, the kind that well up inside you and must find release, and yet one of those you hesitate to actually publish because it feels so raw and just a little too real.

So I type, because I must.

Whether I hit “publish” remains to be seen.

Some of you who read my humble reflections know me in real life and go to church with me. Some of you may have been wondering if I would allude to the current swell of confusion and controversy we as a church body find ourselves in. Like I said, I hesitate.

Yet my heart is so heavy that I must.

I sat on my porch swing last night and cried. I wept over the dissension and the distrust. I cried for the anger and the angst. I pleaded with God to have mercy on us, all of us.

The enemy is at work. I saw it with my own eyes Sunday night as I glanced across the church dining room. Factions, whispered conversations, angry outbursts. Distortion and confusion, arguments and accusations, all are Satan’s trademarks and all are present.

And I grieve.

And I worry.

And I fear.

Someone very wise told me yesterday that the enemy never attacks the dead church as it is no threat to him. My wise counselor holds to the promise that our Lord will reign victorious. He will. He is our only hope. We battle a defeated foe. And when He has tested us, we will come forth as gold.

But I am battle weary. I am worried and I am afraid. I am saddened; I am also hurt, disappointed, and angry.

Some predict a church split.

I cannot type those words without tears in my eyes.

Will you pray for us? Will you pray for my pastor, that he will continue to contend for the gospel? Will you pray that we the church body would turn to the Word of God to determine truth from error? Will you ask that even in disagreement we would love each other with the love of Christ? Will you, with me, plead that the Lord would be exalted in this, as in all things?

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Author: Lisa Spence

Wife, mother, Bible teacher, bibliophile, occasional blogger

28 thoughts on “from a heavy heart”

  1. I am so sorry, Lisa. I am praying for all of you, and for people to have humble and tender hearts towards Jesus. Hugs, Sumi

  2. I just started reading your blog, but I feel that I must comment. My husband was a pastor for two years of a small rural church. Several years before we came, the church went through a terrible time and there was alot of division. Shortly after his first year in the pastorate, trouble began again. Watching him struggle through that situation and watching Christian people be so mean and hurtful hurt so much and tested my faith more than anything I’ve ever been through.I will be praying for you, your church, and the pastor and his family.

  3. My heart is aching with you my friend. That was part of what was weighing me down on Sunday night, and I hate that it has come to the point that it has. I know God’s will will prevail, but it is difficult waiting to see what His will is going to be. I’m tired…tired of all the talk…of all the whispers…of all the worry. Worry is a sin, but it’s hard not to do that at such a time as this. I pray along with you as I have been for a while that we see His glory in everything that happens, and also for our pastor that he (and his precious family) stay strong! Love you friend…Ally

  4. Oh my heart is hurting with you. Even though I’m far away this is still my church and it pains me to think about what she is going through. So, yes, I will pray DAILY!

  5. Lisa, thanks so much for sharing your heart and putting it out there. I am pleading on your behalf, and that of your church, may God be glorified…Him and only Him.

  6. Lisa:I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ve been on the receiving end of a church’s whispered conversations, and the word “pain” is almost too soft for the hurt that me and my family felt. As a clergy family, it is sometimes very hard to stand at the helm and watch a church struggle to find their faith in the midst of feuding. I do think that Satan works hard to discourage the body of Christ, and he if he can do his bidding via an inside job, all the better. I also think that Satan is alive and active in a dead church as well. He works extra hard to keep it as it is…silent and seemingly ineffective. Thank you for your tears on behalf of the saints of God. Your tender pleas have reached the heavens, and only God can bring the peace that you are asking. If not for your entire church, then certainly for your precious, wearied soul. I will be thinking of you all this day. prayers and peace~elaine

  7. I can hear our pain in your post. I am so very sorry. I have been there…twice in fact. It happens…church divisions schisms. I know that God works in them. Paul and Barnabas and Mark spread the gospel further because they split. Sometimes God uses it to refine and grow…pruning always hurts. Jesus,I lift up Lisa and her church. I pray that the enemy have no place there. I pray Your will be done only. I pray truth and love and compassion and mercy abound. Surround this situation Lord. We trust You. Comfort my dear friend that she might find solace for her heavy heart. In Your precious name, Jesus. Amen!

  8. Lisa, I am praying for God to show Himself mighty. I’m praying for a peace to fall upon your heart. Perhaps some sifting is going on.

  9. Friend, I will pray. This is a heavy and grievous thing, but I know that you trust in the One who has shoulders, arms, and hands big enough to carry it for you.

  10. As a Pastor’s wife, let me tell you that this is a God-given opportunity for you to be a blessing to your pastor’s wife. She **needs** to hear from you and know that you are praying for her and her family.

  11. I’ll pray. My heart ached for you and your church as I read this. I will most definitely pray! You are right…He is our only hope. Cling to Him!

  12. Friend…My first impulse is to run…I hate myself for feeling that way…word can’t describe the turmoil that I am in….I love you so much and I am praying…I have never felt turmoil to this extent before…I know that to worry is a sin…What is going to happen? I am praying…MdA

  13. Oh, friend, I am so sorry. My heart is heavy for you right now; praying that God will lift you above these circumstances and hold you tightly in His embrace; and praying that all of this will magnify Who HE is in the midst of it.

  14. This has so consumed me that I found myself dreaming about it last night. It consumes my days and I pray for some sense of normalcy. The burden that I feel, it weighs me down and when I go to pray – I don’t even know what to ask for anymore. So, yes my good friend, we are with you. Like Ally, I pray for God’s will but have trouble being patient for it. I am praying with you.Leslie

  15. The Lord just guided me to your blog for the first time–prayers arising for your congregation, your pastor and for you. To God Alone Be Glory for your amazing courage in posting this! Peace…

  16. Oh, I’m so sorry, Lisa!!! I just read this, and will be praying!!! I KNOW how painfully HARD church dissension can be!!!

  17. Lisa,I just stumbled across your blog — a God thing, I’m sure. I can feel yor pain, the stress and the overwhelming hurt and confusion. You’re right this is the enemy. I’ve been there and I’m lifting you up before the Lord. I’m praying for wisdom and discernment. Look to God for this — not to man. Test and approve everything. Trust God and rest in His amazing grace and love. After suffering through a horrific church split and more, I spent about a year healing (still in the process after almost 2 years) and in that year I drew closer to the Lord. I’m praying for you and your church family.

  18. It has been a while since I have read your blog, Lisa. I recall reading here that your church was having difficulties but I was not aware that it was so bad.I will pray for you & your family, your pastor & family, and for your church family during this difficult time. God will guide and direct and will bless those who call upon Him and who obey Him.Big hugs to your all,Elaine

  19. Lisa, although I do not know you. I felt I had to write. I, too, have been going through the same things concerning the church as you have. My path has been one of 11 yrs! Just remember, dear, what our Lord did. He, too, had to go off alone and pray. Try not to be upset while waiting. God will direct every step you take. Man draws his plans, but it is God who directs his steps. I believe that God will direct our steps. Pray for wisdom and she will find your heart. Try to be kind, but do not listen to others. Pray at all times. God will never, never, never leave your side. It is so promised by HIM! May you feel his love and may your heart be filled with, peace, love and joy in the New Year. God Bless, dear, you aren’t alone with this one! In his love, Gail

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